Dear Reader: The following is an article written by one of the creators of Sex the Podcast, Bob Schwenkler.
Do you consider yourself a sexual being? I consider myself a sexual being.
I can say this at this point in my life and have it flow easily out of my mouth (or through my fingers to the keyboard in this care), but this hasn’t always been true. For most of my life, it’s felt like the exact opposite.
When I look back at the vast majority of my life as a teenager and beyond different words come to mind: Disconnected. Out of touch. Unconfident. I lived most of my life from this place. I saw romantic possibility after possibility slip through my fingers. When I finally began having sex at 25 it was good, but I still would never have called myself confident. With one girlfriend my inability to own my sexual energy left her constantly taking the lead in our relationship. Until she tired of taking the lead and gave me an ultimatum: Own your sexual energy and start showing up in this relationship.
Ultimatums tend not to create a safe space for vulnerable personal growth, they can often do the opposite and create less safety. This one was no exception, but it did shed light the tiniest amount of light on a new way of being that has now completely consumed my life, in the best possible way. During a counseling session with this ex I was turned onto a book who’s concepts have shifted my life. I began to practice them bit by bit.
As I sat down to write this article I asked myself what I might say if I were to go back to that confused and scared teenage version of myself. What advice would I hope for him to hear and embody so that he could better learn to show up to sex and relationships with confidence AND deep love and sensitivity. (Side note: I hear over and over again from women that they crave more depth and sensitivity from men, both in and out of the bedroom.)
Here’s what I’d say to that young man:
1. Sex Can Be so Much More than Just a Physical Act
It can be a meditation where you bring your entire being together with another person and allow them to see ALL of you. The strong AND the vulnerable.
It can be a space to practice true presence.
The practices of Advanced Sexual Stamina allow me to relax into energetically charged situations and stay present throughout the whole act of lovemaking (which begins far before the actual act of sex does). They allow me to communicate with my partner on a level far beyond words.
It can be a way of comforting my partner when she’s stressed out. It can be a way of releasing frustration and anger through rough play (done totally consensually, of course). It gets to step far, far beyond the routine of one or two flavors (whatever those flavors happen to be for you) and become a kaleidoscope of surprise, pleasure, and beauty.
For both of us.
2. You Get to Talk About Sex
Do I even need to say more about this?
You get to talk about it.
You get to ask my woman what turns her on. You get to ask for her feedback. You get to tell each other things that we’re embarrassed to tell each other. You get to talk about it with friends, family members, and colleagues. You get to write about it on the internet.
What happens then?
Only the release of layers upon layers of shame that keep us from experiencing the sex life and relationship of our dreams.
3. Women Want to Feel Your Desire
We’re living in an age where many, many men have been bred to be nice guys. Our sexual desire has to be toned down or else we’re creepy. We can’t express too much dominant energy in our relationships because that would mean we’re taking freedom away from women.
What we’ve ended up with is a culture of men who act and feel emasculated. What’s more is how, over and over, I hear that something is missing for women. They want to feel a man’s desire. They want to experience what it’s like for him to be completely overtaken and ravage her. They want to stop being served one or two flavors of sex and experience the whole palette.
A colleague of mine wrote a very well-shared Facebook post a while back expressing his anger around men and how we are checking out physically and emotionally and creating an abundance of, and I quote, “underfucked women” in the world.
Guess who were the biggest supporters and sharers of this post?
Change didn’t happen overnight
It wasn’t always “easy”, it required deep personal and emotional work (but since when was living a life of sexual frustration for myself and my partner actually easier?).
But I kept at it, bit by bit.
And the man I am now is barely recognizable as the man I was even a year and a half ago. I’ve changed from nice guy with a huge lack of confidence around women and sex to, in my current woman’s exact words, “a supremely confident sex warrior”.
I teach men how to create the kind of sex lives they didn’t even know was possible (and that so many women crave too). I help them have the kind of relationships that get them bragged about at girl’s night out. I teach them how to become supremely confident and deeply loving men.
But what’s even better is that I get to continue my own path of growth. It never ends and that’s a beautiful thing. It means that I’ve always got more depth available as a lover, partner, and friend to my partner.
It means that I get to continue deepening the practices of Advanced Sexual Stamina to create even deeper and more blissful experiences of human connection.
It means that I look forward to being 50 (I’m young still, just 34). I wonder how much wiser I’ll be then, how much more sensitive of a lover I’ll be, and how much more madly in love I’ll be with my woman.
As I type these words I can almost see that teenage version of me change. He becomes less confused. He seems to stand a bit straighter and I can see the steady gaze of confidence come into his eyes. What I used to think was confusion on his face now looks more like curiosity.
He’s happy, fulfilled. That’s our birthright. All of ours. His, mine, and yours too.