Most Love (and Sex) Advice is Crap

Dear Reader: The following is an article written by one of the creators of Sex the Podcast, Natalie Vartanian. It is an adaptation of a post she originally wrote for her site: Natalie The Coach.

I have been reading articles on love, sex and relationships since I was a teenager. One thing I can say with almost absolute certainty is that most love and sex advice is crap.

I repeat: Most love and sex advice out there is absolute garbage.

If I read or overhear a “one size fits all’ prescription when it comes to love or dating or sex one more time, I swear I am going to throw my laptop across the room.

Okay, not really. A) This MacBook was not cheap and (B) Dramatic outbursts are not my thing. But playing dramatic definitely is! Busted.

Going back to the issue at hand …

Is there some truth to what magazines or blogs or books might be preaching regarding relationships? Sure!

There is usually a grain of truth in everything.

Even crazy, out of this world, science fiction or fantasy stories have some percentage of possibility to them.

The situations or scenarios described in relationship scenarios have probably happened at some point for some people.

Yet the big fault in all of this so-called helpful ‘advice’ is it neglects one of the most important pieces to the puzzle – YOU.

There are lots of prescriptions and generalizations, yet you are unique and your needs are specifically your own. You can play the ‘games’ all you want and follow the advice to a T, yet is it getting you what you want? Really?

In my experience, when you encounter the person you are meant to be with, all of that shit goes out the window.

Think about it.

When you are crazy smitten with someone and they are just as equally gaga about you, playing by the ‘rules’ is the last thing on either of your minds.

You are caught up in the strong chemistry and deep, resonant connection. You unconsciously start to make up the rules, the ones that work for the two of you, which is the funnest part in my opinion!

Another cool thing that happens is something you did previously that may have been ‘too much’ with other people, this person finds it adorable. A desire you were hesitant to bring up with other partners, you feel more eager to share.

Why do you think the most common thing you hear with people that find ‘the one’ is …

‘I can finally just BE MYSELF!’

Whether you believe in the one or not, that is what we all want … to be ourselves!!! To find someone that loves us for who we are and fucks us because we turn them on, AS IS!

I say this not to bash everyone in the love, sex and relationship arena. Some actually do mean well. Besides bashing is not my thing either.

I say all this to emphasize the unpredictability, uniqueness and excitement that is LOVE, as well as the vibrant energetic force that is SEX!

You cannot predict what is going to happen in any given situation and you definitely cannot foretell who you are going to fall in love with or be sexually attracted to!

I am a fan of case by case scenarios and making up your own freaking rules.

Who wants someone that is ‘playing a game’ or ‘acting XYZ’ anyway?! I know I sure as hell don’t!

falling for pretending

I want someone that is being themselves, being honest, being respectful, being imaginative, being spontaneous, being adventurous.

You get the drift.

We spend soooooo much time and energy trying to figure out what our prospective partners are thinking or feeling. It’s insane!

Here is a novel concept …  just ask them directly.

Where we should be focusing our time and energy, in my humble (non-opinionated) opinion of course, is figuring out what WE are thinking and feeling.

Get clear on the following:

  • What do YOU want?
  • What makes YOU happy?
  • Who are YOU at your core?
  • How do YOU want to be treated?
  • What turns YOU on?
  • What type of sexual or relationship dynamic works for YOU?

If I had to give you any piece of advice, it would be the following:

Quit the cookie-cutter stuff.

Quit it with the settling and shape shifting.

Blaze your own damn trail.

Dream up your own version of happily ever after.

You are an amazing and beautiful being. Act like it.

You deserve amazing love and sex. Your way. Believe it.

You are unique and unconventional and get to create the exact life you want!

So do it.

About Sex the Podcast

Natalie Vartanian and Bob Schwenkler are business partners, friends, and creators of Sex the Podcast. They believe that you get to have all the mind blowing, time stopping, universe expanding sex that you want. Exactly how you want to have it. Sex the Podcast is an exploration and owning of our deepest desires. Click here to learn more about Natalie and Bob.

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  • TVJackieM

    Thank you for stating the obvious. Alot of these coaches seem to think that because they finally found love that they are suddenly an expert. Manipulation can go a long way in dating and many seem to teach that. I also suspect that some of these coaches are simply wanting to make money off people’s pain and upset.

    • Natalie Vartanian

      Thanks for the comment Jackie. I feel the same way that to be called an expert should not be something that is tossed around lightly – even saying you are a coach when you haven’t gone to school for it or have been certified is a sore subject for me. However, to each their own I guess.

      Curious what your personal take-aways were from the article?

      • TVJackieM

        You confirmed what I have thought for a while now. I have known people who spent hundreds of dollars on Kathryn Alice’s “Love Will Find You” programs and put themselves out there, so to speak, but when they were still single a year later …. Kathryn Alice said to them “People who don’t manifest are lazy. They are substituting external action as a replacement for the deep personal work they need to do to remove their resistance to love”. Talk about a mind screw. Maybe her program was not effective or it wasn’t a match for that person. Either way, the responsibility is not entirely on the client sometimes. So my personal takeaway was, if the only credential that a coach has is that they finally found love, its not enough to invest in them. Personally, online dating and Tinder are fine, but really, when it comes down to it, I believe that the best matches are found in living life fully and engaging with the right people for you. Basically, be and live the best version of yourself and your life, and the rest falls into place.

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